well, well, well... here i am again... typing my thoughts to the vast open of google... i figured i'd just take a little time to rant away about how i feel... how i live my "life"... what makes me, me...
currently... & unfortunately... me = panic disorder/the anxiety disease... i'm sure you know somebody that suffers from it... i've known quite a few people that do or have... my anxiety has been quite a bit of a problem for me... let me do my best to explain...
imagine that you really like this girl (or guy... or hey, maybe even a hermaphrodite! they're people too!)... anyway, you've been wanting to ask him/her out on a date, but you're really nervous about doing it because you don't really know how they will respond... if they like you too... are you gonna get flat out rejected? or embarrassed? whatever... regardless, you're nervous, right? it's common for even the most confident person to feel at least a little anxious about a situation like that... but for most people, asking somebody out is a pretty nerve-wracking experience...
... that's how i feel when i wake up in the morning... every day... all day... & have for around 3-4 years now... it has become "normal" for me to feel this way... i do my best to calm myself with breathing techniques & other things i have learned in therapy that are supposed to be relaxing/calming... but mostly it's just me bearing it until it gets to a point where i have to take medication to relieve my anxiety... once medicated, i get about an hour to 2 hours of feeling less anxious than usual & then it's back to my "normal" feeling... bear it as long as i can... & then re-medicate... rinse, repeat, etc...
the biggest impact on my life is that being in a car nearly instantly puts me in panic mode... my heart races & feels like it's going to burst out of my chest... shaking... my arms & lips go numb... a bajillion random thoughts whizzing around in my head... feelings of dread/terror/doom at the forefront... crippling nausea... & sometimes all this can go on for hours... every panic attack brings me to tears... i have even almost jumped out of moving cars on two occasions... simply because i needed to get out, right then... thankfully, the first time i almost did, ex was able to pull over pretty quickly... & the second time, i was the one driving soooooooooo yeah, not much choice there... but i considered it as an option... just not a wise one, obviously...
i haven't been further than a few miles from my house in quite some time... i only go out when i absolutely have to... i can't even remember the last time i ate dinner in a restaurant (another trigger for me)... eating itself can cause me to feel more anxious... i am literally trapped... by my own mind... & i thought we were friends... how could my brain treat me this way? there were outside factors, that i won't speak of, that brought upon this "life" i suffer... but it's really frustrating & downright depressing that i wake up every morning to the feeling of being on a first date... i'd be lying if i said the thought of death wasn't inviting... free from all this uncontrollable & unjustifiable terror... & yet i push on... hoping... wishing... praying... that one day i can just get nervous like normal people do... & not be confined to a couple of small areas that i feel comfortable in...
so why in the world am i even bothering to play music? i obviously can't just go play a gig... all i can do is sit in my room (usually in my jammies & slippers) & record my songs with ex... i hope that one day i'll be able to travel at least far enough to play some local clubs... the crazy thing is that stage fright is a total non-issue! i've been on stage a number of times in previous bands... the issue is getting there! how ridiculous is that?!? it bewilders me... & it makes me feel like i am literally crazy... bananas... mmm i could go for a banana chocolate malt... could have one too if i wanted to suffer through a massive panic attack while driving the 5 or so minutes it would take to get to coldstone creamery... yeah, not worth it... i'd walk, but then, being in coldstone could trigger a panic attack! so at this point in my depressing, horrific, wasteful thing i call a "life", i'll do anything to not feel the panic... and that "doing anything" means "doing nothing"... which is what i'm doing right now... isolating myself from the world... i know that does nothing to improve my situation... but it keeps me from wanting to rip my heart right out of my chest with my bare hands...
so for now, i'm just gonna keep recording... is & ex have several albums worth of material that we'll be releasing soon... & just hope that one day i can get up on a stage so you can watch isadore and exray rock out like the world has never seen... & we'll get to show you in person, the raw, undeniable passion we have for making music... it's what we were born to do...
gotta go, i can tell ex doesn't want to unload the dishwasher, so i'll do it... as usual... hehe...
love you guys & thanks for letting me rant...
<3's always!
-is
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