well, well, well... here i am again... typing my thoughts to the vast open of google... i figured i'd just take a little time to rant away about how i feel... how i live my "life"... what makes me, me...
currently... & unfortunately... me = panic disorder/the anxiety disease... i'm sure you know somebody that suffers from it... i've known quite a few people that do or have... my anxiety has been quite a bit of a problem for me... let me do my best to explain...
imagine that you really like this girl (or guy... or hey, maybe even a hermaphrodite! they're people too!)... anyway, you've been wanting to ask him/her out on a date, but you're really nervous about doing it because you don't really know how they will respond... if they like you too... are you gonna get flat out rejected? or embarrassed? whatever... regardless, you're nervous, right? it's common for even the most confident person to feel at least a little anxious about a situation like that... but for most people, asking somebody out is a pretty nerve-wracking experience...
... that's how i feel when i wake up in the morning... every day... all day... & have for around 3-4 years now... it has become "normal" for me to feel this way... i do my best to calm myself with breathing techniques & other things i have learned in therapy that are supposed to be relaxing/calming... but mostly it's just me bearing it until it gets to a point where i have to take medication to relieve my anxiety... once medicated, i get about an hour to 2 hours of feeling less anxious than usual & then it's back to my "normal" feeling... bear it as long as i can... & then re-medicate... rinse, repeat, etc...
the biggest impact on my life is that being in a car nearly instantly puts me in panic mode... my heart races & feels like it's going to burst out of my chest... shaking... my arms & lips go numb... a bajillion random thoughts whizzing around in my head... feelings of dread/terror/doom at the forefront... crippling nausea... & sometimes all this can go on for hours... every panic attack brings me to tears... i have even almost jumped out of moving cars on two occasions... simply because i needed to get out, right then... thankfully, the first time i almost did, ex was able to pull over pretty quickly... & the second time, i was the one driving soooooooooo yeah, not much choice there... but i considered it as an option... just not a wise one, obviously...
i haven't been further than a few miles from my house in quite some time... i only go out when i absolutely have to... i can't even remember the last time i ate dinner in a restaurant (another trigger for me)... eating itself can cause me to feel more anxious... i am literally trapped... by my own mind... & i thought we were friends... how could my brain treat me this way? there were outside factors, that i won't speak of, that brought upon this "life" i suffer... but it's really frustrating & downright depressing that i wake up every morning to the feeling of being on a first date... i'd be lying if i said the thought of death wasn't inviting... free from all this uncontrollable & unjustifiable terror... & yet i push on... hoping... wishing... praying... that one day i can just get nervous like normal people do... & not be confined to a couple of small areas that i feel comfortable in...
so why in the world am i even bothering to play music? i obviously can't just go play a gig... all i can do is sit in my room (usually in my jammies & slippers) & record my songs with ex... i hope that one day i'll be able to travel at least far enough to play some local clubs... the crazy thing is that stage fright is a total non-issue! i've been on stage a number of times in previous bands... the issue is getting there! how ridiculous is that?!? it bewilders me... & it makes me feel like i am literally crazy... bananas... mmm i could go for a banana chocolate malt... could have one too if i wanted to suffer through a massive panic attack while driving the 5 or so minutes it would take to get to coldstone creamery... yeah, not worth it... i'd walk, but then, being in coldstone could trigger a panic attack! so at this point in my depressing, horrific, wasteful thing i call a "life", i'll do anything to not feel the panic... and that "doing anything" means "doing nothing"... which is what i'm doing right now... isolating myself from the world... i know that does nothing to improve my situation... but it keeps me from wanting to rip my heart right out of my chest with my bare hands...
so for now, i'm just gonna keep recording... is & ex have several albums worth of material that we'll be releasing soon... & just hope that one day i can get up on a stage so you can watch isadore and exray rock out like the world has never seen... & we'll get to show you in person, the raw, undeniable passion we have for making music... it's what we were born to do...
gotta go, i can tell ex doesn't want to unload the dishwasher, so i'll do it... as usual... hehe...
love you guys & thanks for letting me rant...
<3's always!
-is
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
is vs. ex
hello world! it's been a few since i caught up with you... really, if i'm being honest, i haven't been all that well lately... in the head... my anxiety... & depression... but i'm alive... so... that's something to be happy about... anyway, i thought i'd come back with a bang & do a good 'ol fashioned interview/debate/duel/showdown/throwdown with my brother, exray (who happens to be my brother in real life... so yeah... it's kind of an interesting dynamic there... we're brothers, playing brothers in a musical group... not sure that's ever been done before)... anyway... lets get on with it, shall we? ladies & gents, i bring you "the commander" himself, the human arpeggiator, the king of charisma & the catalyst of cool... exray...
is: tell me, ex... were you teased a lot in school growing up with a name like, "exray"? bwahahaha!
ex: dude... do you even remember that these are names we "chose"? ... i mean, what kind of mother would do that to a child?
is: omg! you're totally right! well isn't my face red? hmm... i guess it's just been so long... i mean, i go by literally dozens of names... isadore, is, isadore eon "defender of the galaxy", isadore von grey, isadorable, st. isadore of the purple raven order ... but i'm sure most of you probably remember me by my old underground hardcore wrestling days... Murdock "Mad Dog" McCready... but enough about me...
exray, i recently posted a review of isadore and exray, written by me... a rather bold move in self-promotion, i think... what are your thoughts about isadore and exray? how would you best describe our brand of music?
ex: the "purple raven order"? are you still playing dungeons & dragons? nevermind... um, i'd describe is and ex as an "electric-eclectic-emo-sonic-rollercoaster ride" with big hooks designed to rock the arena stage. is that apt enough?
is: hey! i never played dungeons & dragons!!! ... ok... maybe i actually did once or twice... no, the purple raven order is a very secretive, exclusive, group of people who... well... if i told you any more, i'd have to kill myself... i live by the code! i like your description of our music! although, i think it's worth adding that "listening to isadore and exray is like hearing a rainbow"... anyway, i can totally see us performing live at the o-rena... rockin' out a cover of "glory of love" by peter cetera... the crowd goes banana's! i'm there...
do you like peanut butter & bacon sandwiches? i know i've made you eat at least one... i love them & would eat one every day if it didn't have that nasty side effect of shortening ones life expectancy by half... but you never ask me to make one for you & i was just curious...
ex: cetera... wow... "like a knight in shining armor/from a long time ago(oh-oo)" uuuuhhhhhh in fact i do like peebs-and-bakie sandies... quite a bit. but it doesn't help the "looking good" part of my mantra at all so...
is: yeah, i feel ya... i guess i don't mind the little extra padding... it was chris elliot who put it best... something along the lines of his body type being that of moist bread...
so anyway... this whole thing totally went the opposite way i thought it was gonna go... we didn't touch on any of the important subjects i had hoped to such as; poverty, health care, kanye west being the lamest turd to ever soil the earth, our goal of making music & using that music to help children & families in need (although i've posted about that before), crayons & how effective they have been at providing a solid medium for generations of children to create art with, how we're going to get groceries, & again... i was gonna try & talk you into letting me get a hamster... they have this little brown one at the pet store & i named her kiki & i want her soooo bad! pweeeeeeeease???
ex, any parting words for the audience? or answers to particular questions regarding a particular hamster named, kiki?
ex: let me first say this about a hamster... emphatically... ... ... "no". secondly i feel i need to state my opinion that chris elliot is one of the most underrated writer/comedians of his generation... and i am not ashamed to say that i enjoyed "cabin boy"... that being said, kanye could teach a college course on douchebaggery... hmm, i do think we could have touched on a few more meaningful topics if we'd had the time... but people's schedules these days ya know? peace, bro!
is: cool! thanks! yeah! see ya... um... well... i see you right now... & i'm not leaving or anything... i'm just gonna publish this post & then log off... but you do have to return that movie so i guess i could say goodbye then & it would actually be a correct statement... idk... saying bye on a blog when i'm literally looking at you is kinda weird & it's making me feel awkward. please stop!
ooookay, had to cut myself off there... was drifting a bit... anyway, "is vs. ex" didn't go exactly as planned... well, actually... there was no plan... & maybe that's where things went wrong... but it was a moment in time... captured... in all it's imperfect beauty... & i think we all may have learned a thing or two from this... we all agree that kanye west is a nincompoop... food for thought...
til next time... not giving up on kiki the hamster...
<3's
isadore eon "defender of the galaxy"
is: tell me, ex... were you teased a lot in school growing up with a name like, "exray"? bwahahaha!
ex: dude... do you even remember that these are names we "chose"? ... i mean, what kind of mother would do that to a child?
is: omg! you're totally right! well isn't my face red? hmm... i guess it's just been so long... i mean, i go by literally dozens of names... isadore, is, isadore eon "defender of the galaxy", isadore von grey, isadorable, st. isadore of the purple raven order ... but i'm sure most of you probably remember me by my old underground hardcore wrestling days... Murdock "Mad Dog" McCready... but enough about me...
exray, i recently posted a review of isadore and exray, written by me... a rather bold move in self-promotion, i think... what are your thoughts about isadore and exray? how would you best describe our brand of music?
ex: the "purple raven order"? are you still playing dungeons & dragons? nevermind... um, i'd describe is and ex as an "electric-eclectic-emo-sonic-rollercoaster ride" with big hooks designed to rock the arena stage. is that apt enough?
is: hey! i never played dungeons & dragons!!! ... ok... maybe i actually did once or twice... no, the purple raven order is a very secretive, exclusive, group of people who... well... if i told you any more, i'd have to kill myself... i live by the code! i like your description of our music! although, i think it's worth adding that "listening to isadore and exray is like hearing a rainbow"... anyway, i can totally see us performing live at the o-rena... rockin' out a cover of "glory of love" by peter cetera... the crowd goes banana's! i'm there...
do you like peanut butter & bacon sandwiches? i know i've made you eat at least one... i love them & would eat one every day if it didn't have that nasty side effect of shortening ones life expectancy by half... but you never ask me to make one for you & i was just curious...
ex: cetera... wow... "like a knight in shining armor/from a long time ago(oh-oo)" uuuuhhhhhh in fact i do like peebs-and-bakie sandies... quite a bit. but it doesn't help the "looking good" part of my mantra at all so...
is: yeah, i feel ya... i guess i don't mind the little extra padding... it was chris elliot who put it best... something along the lines of his body type being that of moist bread...
so anyway... this whole thing totally went the opposite way i thought it was gonna go... we didn't touch on any of the important subjects i had hoped to such as; poverty, health care, kanye west being the lamest turd to ever soil the earth, our goal of making music & using that music to help children & families in need (although i've posted about that before), crayons & how effective they have been at providing a solid medium for generations of children to create art with, how we're going to get groceries, & again... i was gonna try & talk you into letting me get a hamster... they have this little brown one at the pet store & i named her kiki & i want her soooo bad! pweeeeeeeease???
ex, any parting words for the audience? or answers to particular questions regarding a particular hamster named, kiki?
ex: let me first say this about a hamster... emphatically... ... ... "no". secondly i feel i need to state my opinion that chris elliot is one of the most underrated writer/comedians of his generation... and i am not ashamed to say that i enjoyed "cabin boy"... that being said, kanye could teach a college course on douchebaggery... hmm, i do think we could have touched on a few more meaningful topics if we'd had the time... but people's schedules these days ya know? peace, bro!
is: cool! thanks! yeah! see ya... um... well... i see you right now... & i'm not leaving or anything... i'm just gonna publish this post & then log off... but you do have to return that movie so i guess i could say goodbye then & it would actually be a correct statement... idk... saying bye on a blog when i'm literally looking at you is kinda weird & it's making me feel awkward. please stop!
ooookay, had to cut myself off there... was drifting a bit... anyway, "is vs. ex" didn't go exactly as planned... well, actually... there was no plan... & maybe that's where things went wrong... but it was a moment in time... captured... in all it's imperfect beauty... & i think we all may have learned a thing or two from this... we all agree that kanye west is a nincompoop... food for thought...
til next time... not giving up on kiki the hamster...
<3's
isadore eon "defender of the galaxy"
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"i've just always been this way..."
... occasionally, i'm asked about my appearance... y'know? the tiger ears & tail... the cape... etc...
"what's with that?"
or,
"do you always dress like that?"
or,
"are you for real?"
or the haters say,
"you seem fake! you're just acting weird to get attention!" (except, typically, they say these things with very poor spelling)
... usually i respond with the title of this post...
"i've just always been this way..."
... and i leave it at that... but tonight i'm going to delve deeper into the subject... i'm sure most of you will easily relate... well, those of you who are female... or gay... & i guess probably a few of you straight guys that aren't all caught up in being macho...
... playing dress up...
we did it as kids... even as adults, a lot of us still do it on halloween... it's fun! put on a tacky hat, a scarf, a cape, some gloves, or whatever you can find & you're transformed into something else! a fancy lady, a super hero, a monster, whatever!
it's good, clean fun... am i fake because i like to play dress-up? am i not being me? i would say that by playing dress-up, i'm more "me" than when i'm in a tee & some jeans... when i don my tiger ears... when i loop that tail through my belt & put it on... when my cape flows in the wind as i'm soaring to the very edge of our atmosphere... it's then, that i feel most like myself... the true me... the one who is free... when every single moment of life makes my heart rejoice... & i smile big... & proud... for all the world to see...
so, if you think i'm fake... that i'm just an act... here's the proof that...
"what's with that?"
or,
"do you always dress like that?"
or,
"are you for real?"
or the haters say,
"you seem fake! you're just acting weird to get attention!" (except, typically, they say these things with very poor spelling)
... usually i respond with the title of this post...
"i've just always been this way..."
... and i leave it at that... but tonight i'm going to delve deeper into the subject... i'm sure most of you will easily relate... well, those of you who are female... or gay... & i guess probably a few of you straight guys that aren't all caught up in being macho...
... playing dress up...
we did it as kids... even as adults, a lot of us still do it on halloween... it's fun! put on a tacky hat, a scarf, a cape, some gloves, or whatever you can find & you're transformed into something else! a fancy lady, a super hero, a monster, whatever!
it's good, clean fun... am i fake because i like to play dress-up? am i not being me? i would say that by playing dress-up, i'm more "me" than when i'm in a tee & some jeans... when i don my tiger ears... when i loop that tail through my belt & put it on... when my cape flows in the wind as i'm soaring to the very edge of our atmosphere... it's then, that i feel most like myself... the true me... the one who is free... when every single moment of life makes my heart rejoice... & i smile big... & proud... for all the world to see...
so, if you think i'm fake... that i'm just an act... here's the proof that...
"i've just always been this way"
i <3 you all... i'll be back later... gonna go put my ears on over the headphones and maybe record a track or two for the next album we're working on...
-isadore
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
isadore and exray... who we are...
hello and good day to you... chiming in again is me, isadore the great! nah... i can't in good conscience steal that title from gonzo... he's the only true great one...
anyway i'd like to talk a little bit about isadore and exray... my ban-... no! we're not a band... we're a duo! i think somewhere in the rulebook of bands that a band must consist of 3 or more members... i dunno... anybody have a copy? if so can you look it up & get back to me? i need to know... i mean, it sucks having to correct myself all the time... it would be loads easier if i could just let "isadore and exray? oh! it's my band" roll off my tongue or fingers when somebody asks us... but noooo... gotta be pc these days...
so yeah... to me, isadore and exray is many things... at it's heart, as it was in it's infancy, it is a dream at last reached... a loooong time goal that for one reason or another was always being thwarted... until now... it is real... we are real... & seriously, we're pretty freakin' awesome! & i'm not one for self-praise! anybody who knows me, knows that i'm not conceited... i'll tell anyone the straight up truth about how i feel about my music... & since this blog is new, i'll lay it out for y'all... i'm gonna write my own review of isadore and exray!
buy the album here... www.isadoreandexray.com
listen here... http://www.facebook.com/isadoreandexray?v=box_3
my review
- ok... first things first, i should get it out of the way... that i am probably fairly biased because... well... i wrote the songs... but i'll try my best to be impartial...
- ok... first things first, i should get it out of the way... that i am probably fairly biased because... well... i wrote the songs... but i'll try my best to be impartial...
... ... ...
... ... ...
ok, i can't! we rock! i see us as like an almost freakishly-good garage band... only... we don't play in a garage, so that may disqualify us for that... bedroom band? it does have some sexy undertones... hm... anyway, i guess what i want to say is that, we're not out there trying to be the best... or perfect... we're just writing music that we love & doing the best we can to perform and record that music with what we have... we don't have any mega-producers (or any wannabe mega-producers) backing us up & we never will... we don't need or want that... we just want to be us... so when you listen to an isadore and exray song, you're listening to our hearts and our feelings... ok well, i write all the lyrics... & i'm pretty sure ex isn't 100 w/ me on some of my lyrical choices (i think i get a bit flowery & a little too silly for him sometimes)... but anyway, it's honest music... and i think it's worth listening to... <3's everybody, -is
wow... writing that even got me a lil bit sniffy... haha! jk!
we'll talk more later, i gotta go try & talk ex into letting me get a hamster!
<3ies!
-isadore
... ... ...
ok, i can't! we rock! i see us as like an almost freakishly-good garage band... only... we don't play in a garage, so that may disqualify us for that... bedroom band? it does have some sexy undertones... hm... anyway, i guess what i want to say is that, we're not out there trying to be the best... or perfect... we're just writing music that we love & doing the best we can to perform and record that music with what we have... we don't have any mega-producers (or any wannabe mega-producers) backing us up & we never will... we don't need or want that... we just want to be us... so when you listen to an isadore and exray song, you're listening to our hearts and our feelings... ok well, i write all the lyrics... & i'm pretty sure ex isn't 100 w/ me on some of my lyrical choices (i think i get a bit flowery & a little too silly for him sometimes)... but anyway, it's honest music... and i think it's worth listening to... <3's everybody, -is
wow... writing that even got me a lil bit sniffy... haha! jk!
we'll talk more later, i gotta go try & talk ex into letting me get a hamster!
<3ies!
-isadore
Monday, February 7, 2011
thank you, invisible...
well... my first ever blog post... here, that is... i've posted on myspace & such... but here... it's all about me... so what is it about me that is worth reading? well, if you look at my profile, you'll find that my interests are many & varied! hmmm, what else? let's seeeee, oh! i'm totally a hermit because of my anxiety/panic disorder... yep, i am indeed a person with a disability... but we'll get more into that as my posts start flowing out...
for now, i'd like to focus on my dream... you all have one... probably lots of them... i do... well, my main dream/goal in life is to help people with my music... i've been writing music since i was probably 13-14... played in a few mediocre bands that had no direction & less motivation... it wasn't until a couple years ago that my brother (exray) & i decided that enough was enough... we're doing our own thing! we're gonna put out an album totally independently! and we're gonna donate part of the proceeds from our music sales to charity! yay! let's do something good for others!
so we did... & it's available right this very moment... just go to...
www.isadoreandexray.com
& click "buy our album", that'll take you to our sales page where you may purchase some amazingly unique & epic music (don't mind tooting my own horn occasionally), & help the children's charities of america
www.childrenscharities.org
right now, our music is only available on a physical cd sold exclusively by us... but in the very near future we will be available on itunes & probably a few other stores...
feel free to check out a few of our songs here...
http://www.facebook.com/isadoreandexray?v=box_3
& while you're there, "like" us on facebook! don't be afraid to say hi or anything either, we love talking to our fans... we're not one of those lame-o bands that ignores their own fans! some of those twerps make me sick with their superiority complexes! ugh! no! we're real people, just like you... although we are a little weird sometimes... but then again, i bet you are too...
we'll talk more later, k? i'm gonna eat go some ice cream & watch northern exposure...
<3chya!
is
for now, i'd like to focus on my dream... you all have one... probably lots of them... i do... well, my main dream/goal in life is to help people with my music... i've been writing music since i was probably 13-14... played in a few mediocre bands that had no direction & less motivation... it wasn't until a couple years ago that my brother (exray) & i decided that enough was enough... we're doing our own thing! we're gonna put out an album totally independently! and we're gonna donate part of the proceeds from our music sales to charity! yay! let's do something good for others!
so we did... & it's available right this very moment... just go to...
www.isadoreandexray.com
& click "buy our album", that'll take you to our sales page where you may purchase some amazingly unique & epic music (don't mind tooting my own horn occasionally), & help the children's charities of america
www.childrenscharities.org
right now, our music is only available on a physical cd sold exclusively by us... but in the very near future we will be available on itunes & probably a few other stores...
feel free to check out a few of our songs here...
http://www.facebook.com/isadoreandexray?v=box_3
& while you're there, "like" us on facebook! don't be afraid to say hi or anything either, we love talking to our fans... we're not one of those lame-o bands that ignores their own fans! some of those twerps make me sick with their superiority complexes! ugh! no! we're real people, just like you... although we are a little weird sometimes... but then again, i bet you are too...
we'll talk more later, k? i'm gonna eat go some ice cream & watch northern exposure...
<3chya!
is
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